And now for a record breaking post...

An historic. It makes no sense. 'Nough said.

"Believe half of what you see, none of what you hear..."-Hov

Today, I was reminded of a lesson I learned a LONG time ago; people are nucking FUTS! What it is that drives a man to madness? I'm not talking about the type of madness that affords you the opportunity to have a tough redneck named Jim living inside you when in all actuality, you're a black man. I'm talking about the type of madness that drives a person to have such bastardized views of what is and try and push them on you as if those views are the truth. REALITY CHECK! YOU, SIR, are nothing short of CRAZY! It's sort of like how you can tell ten people a story and by the time it gets to the tenth person, the story goes from "hey did you know Jack and Jill went up the hill?" to "hey did you know Tom, Dick, and Harry jumped Jack, took his car while Jill was in it and had their way with her?And get this, they didn't even get the bucket of water!". I really find myself wondering--too often, might I add--what type of special imbecile are you to experience something and get an entirely different reality than what it is? Like, dude, what fucking looking glass are you seeing through? What drug are you on? Furthermore, why the hell are you trying to sell me you're story, as if I weren't in the thick of it with you? I know, I know, wtf is this guy talking about right? I am talking about no one worth mentioning, but someone worth writing about. Why? Because as fun as it is to call people stupid and crazy to their face, it's even more fun to call them a bunch of witless imbeciles in writing! So, to the many mindless ingrates that inspired such a writing today, thanks for the inspiration! To the the innocent readers of this post, steer clear of Tom, Dick, and Harry. Rumor has it, they're dangerous.

P.S.
I had a different ending in mind, relating back to the video, but ahh well; at least it matches the title!

That's a BET I wouldn't make

Someone PLEASE tell me, what oh what has happened to BET? Am I losing my mind or has it gone 'Coon TV'? I remember the good ol' days where there was a modicum of originality. I remember the days of Hell Date--no, not the shit for a show they have now--the REAL Hell Date. Why? Why did they massacre this channel? If there ever were a channel that is an epic fail, this would be it. B.E.T. has single handedly destroyed the black entertainment part of the channel and replaced it with what I like to call "MTV in black, with a sprinkle of VH1". No longer will the higher ups use their pea-brains to think of the next genius show to make available for our viewing pleasure. Noooo...let's just see what MTV does and we'll make the 'black' version! Come on! Do better B.E.T. Bring the real entertainment back., because you guys are looking a mess out there in TV land; especially after that award show. Yeah,yeah short notice this and short notice that;but live TV doesn't lie. Why? Why the hell were there little girls on stage singing and dancing to "I just wanna fuck every girl in the world"? When I was younger, you at least had to be 18--hell,you could maybe even get away with looking 18--to be on stage like that. My how times have changed! I wish there were a name for the jack move B.E.T. pulled. Oh wait, there is! They pulled a Twitter! Yes, a Twitter. Twitter said "hey,Facebook may be onto something with those status updates. By George I've got it!" And what did B.E.T. say, you ask? B.E.T. said "hey, I think MTV maybe be onto something with real world. By George I've got it!" and voila, College Hill is born. To the old B.E.T. wherever you are, come back; you are truly missed.

The start of a beautiful friendship...naaahh I just want the ass!

So here I am, listening to the classic story of how guy wants girl, girl has man, guy has no clue that girl will be forever uninterested, when I'm suddenly inspired to write. What is with you women thinking you're such hot shit that EVERY guy that approaches you just wants to run up in you slow(or fast, for those who fuck like rabbits)? Ever think maybe, just MAYBE a guy actually wants friendship FIRST when he approaches you? Granted, I don't know any guys like that, but I'm sure they're out there--possibly in the farthest corners of the Earth--but out there nonetheless. I'm starting to think maybe the real situation is YOU want him to want the draws so that you can deny the draws, resulting in the always fun game of cat and mouse. Who wins there? You, of course! And it is at his expense smh. Poor guy is left chasing you and feeling like no one wants him while you're there feeling great knowing at least one other person wants you(guess your man wasn't crazy for dating you after all). I once heard the phantom of the opera was one such guy, seeking only the friendship of a woman. Good luck finding him though. You know what I think you should do? The next guy that approaches you--wanting the draws of course,because they ALWAYS do--look him in the eye,keep a straight face and say 'look guy, all I want is sex'. Make sure you have a prison-like gaze when you say this otherwise he'll just think "jackpot!". The goal is to be uber aggressive, causing him to flee in fear of rape. Let me know how it turns out.

When keeping it real goes wrong

I never really took the time to mention why I named my blog what I named it. Well...to be quite honest. Yes. That's it. To be quite honest. I wanted to put into writing the realness that is my words so that you can have it to refer back to later(how kind am I?). Too often a time, a situation come up that calls for "real talk" but alas, no one is there to provide it. Worry no more, good people; for I am here and in my presence I shall provide to you nothing but the real! You may read one of my posts one day and very well may not like it and that's ok. Such is the price of honesty sometimes. As long as you respect it then I won't have to defame your good name =). Now that the necessities are all done, lets get onto the title; "When keeping it real goes wrong". Oh goodie! Don't those make for such fun moments? I like to think of moments like those as little gems of happiness, sent to me from above. There's nothing worse than say...trying to reality check someone when you don't have your shit together. Oh yes, I sense a telling off about to ensue! Oh, how about when you call yourself going to kick someone's ass and the end result is you on the floor with a broken jaw and scuffed up clothing?CLASSIC! Now of course, that last one was a sort of a segue into my next point--picking your battles. I can't express how sad it is that the going notion in the 'hood is "fight any and everybody who you feel or someone else feels disrespected you otherwise you PUSSY!YOU PUSSY ASS NIGGA!". I mean damn! Am I really a pussy for not fighting the 7'10,450lbs of all muscle, just got out the pen, triple o.g. JUST because he said "yo son, ya girl got a fat ass!"? I think I'd take the L on that one, but of course, as it is in the 'hood, I'd look like a pussy in the eyes of some. Who formulated these ideas? Was it--dun dun duuuuuun--the man?!*Gasp* No. I mean, I'm sure he had something to do with perpetuating the idea, but just as accountable are the people in these hoods. It just doesn't seem worth the trouble to get into a 1 on 20 just because I don't want to seem pussy. I'm no superthug. Even if I had a pistol in such a situation, the end result would likely still be an ass whooping; although "thugs" tend to scatter when guns come out. It's STUPID! Put your dignity to the side for a split second and think about what you're about to get into. This isn't Sparta nor do you have an army of 300 to back you. You aren't Braveheart either and you can get touched!

Better late than never...

I realize I'm pretty late with this post, but hey, why not write about him after all the hype has died down? South Park knows him as Michael Jefferson, flippant media knows him as Wacko Jacko, fans know him as the King of Pop, and his family knows him as Michael Jackson. This man--excuse me--this BLACK man, has left such a mark on not only America, but the world. Personally, I don't know of anyone who doesn't know the moves to either Thriller, Beat It or both. If you're the one LOSER on the planet that doesn't know the moves to one of these songs then I truly feel for you. And now, a brief break for one of the hardest songs he's ever made... *screaming like a little girl*OMG!!! What I'd do to learn that guitar part! Seriously though, what artist today can get away with such ad-libs as "chamown" and "heeeeeheeee", all while grabbing his crotch, spinning,AND wearing high waters? I can't think of any! Picture that; one of the top artists of today trying to pull off such a look...BWHAHAHAHAHAHA! It would be pure COMEDY!*Jay-Z gets on stage in front of a crowd of thousands* Uh! Hovi's home yup! *grabs crotch and yells 'heeeheeee'* LMAO! Alright, enough with the shenanigans. Michael Jackson, though clearly a troubled man, was a very genuine one in my humble opinion. I think it's sad that even in death, he cannot find peace due to the likely, right wing media and their lack of respect for those that blacks and several other people hold in high regard. Aww man here he goes talkin' 'bout race again! Damn right! Like it or not, race is here and it's queer! Any way, I feel myself about to go off on a silly tangent so I will bid thee farewell. Till next time, good people...CHAMOWN!

Dream on, dreamers

What's in a dream? Is it a prophecy? Is it a warning? Is it...a wish? I always say-- in the context of success-- that I don't dream. Sure, for some, dreams do come true. With the dreams I tend to have, I'd rather they stay in my head, but that's a different story. Dreaming is nice, but I think there's a certain element of fantasy to them. I think there's a certain connotation of unattainability associated with dreaming. If you have the mindset of "I can do anything I put my mind to" or even "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me", then dreaming should be out the question. Those mindsets say that when you focus your strength or your mind on something, it gets done! So if you want something, don't dream about it; achieve it! Save your dreams for times when you aren't getting any lovin' and thinking about the opposite sex gets you through the day(let's pray times never get that hard). Speaking of which, I don't think I've ever had one of the famous "wet dreams" everyone so jubilantly speaks about. Am I missing out? I mean, I really want to wake up with cum stains on my draws, wondering what the hell happened. Too explicit? Ok, Ok, moving right along. So yeah, dreaming isn't for me because I think if I want it bad enough, I'll get it. I may not get it as soon as I want(e.g. my future Benz), but I will get it sooner than later. So to you I say this, if you see me dreaming, wake me. If I'm having a wet dream, wake me faster; I don't need the jizz in my pants!

The endless race

Today, trying to keep myself entertained during this ever-so-eventful summer, I was youtubing. Idk if it's like this for anyone else, but I often find the comments more interesting than the actual video I may be watching(gotta love the randomness of it all). Anyway, I watched this video and like always, there's some fucktard who feels the need to say some down right ig'nant shit in the comments and this just so happened to be his lucky day! I was feeling all types of mischievous, yes I was! Needless to say, I responded to the nimrod. Here's the funny thing though, some other nimrod decided he'd respond to my response(I guess on nimrod #1's behalf)! *Heated debate ensues* I wonder where the hell people get their ideas from. This fool's gonna go and say--wait, let me address nimrod #1 first. Nimrod 1 said, in short, slavery was tantamount to volunteer work. WHAAAAAT?! Then here comes ingoramus #2 saying blacks should be thankful for slavery!WHAAAAAT?! Yeah, because it was SUCH a favor to us!BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!I laugh, but it's really no laughing matter. It really baffles me how people come up with these twisted views! *sigh* It matters not. I just think it's sad that these thoughts are still out there. Slavery was volunteer work?Slavery was a favor to blacks?SMFH! It seems as though every time a video is uploaded on youtube, if there's a black person in it, sure enough, here comes the barrage of ignorant comments. don't believe me? Check for yourself. As for the video I watched, I don't know how I feel about it. I've found myself on the fence about a lot of things involving race lately. Here's the vid. Funny? You be the judge. For now, I'll just stick to my double entendres and my occasional youtube mischief. "Racism is an ism to which everyone in the world today is exposed; for or against, we must take sides. And the history of the future will differ according to the decision which we make." Benedict, Ruth

I don't give a--wait, what?

As I'm sure we've all heard the term, "I don't give a *insert what you don't give here*". I've used it, had it used on me, and know several people who use it when speaking to others. What perplexes me is the meaning of the phrase. Why would you give a fuck, shit,damn, rat's ass(huh?!), 2 shits or fucks(keep the shit),etc. to me as response or reaction to what I said to you? Picture that...Me:You know, I used to think you were cool; now I see you're not. Person:*hands me a rat's ass*. Me:*runs*. What?You wouldn't run if someone had ass of rat in their hand?Fuck keeping it G, I'm GONE! Any who, getting back to what I was saying, why on Earth would I want such a "gift"? Two shits?Not one, but TWO?! Gee, you're sooooo kind! Give me MORE shit please! I could really use as much shit as I can get; after all, my lawn is looking a little less green everyday! OK so maybe I don't want infinite amounts of shit(though I do think it'd make for greener grass); I'll definitely take you up on the two fucks though. I wonder, in the days of old, was there some nut job passing shit,fucks, and rat's asses to people who said or did things he/she didn't care about?My guess is yes. I'm a NYer so it wouldn't surprise me since there's people doing things like that today(gotta love the subway!).I will say this though, if you don't give a shit,damn,yada yada yada, I thank you. You have saved my hands from hours of sanitizing =).

Hercules! Hercules! Hercules!

You gotta love society sometimes. I've come across many a person--and even I am guilty of this at times--who haven't yet reached the "FTW" mentality, to be ever-so-comfortable in their own skin. I'm not talking about those instances where it's better to keep one's clothes on, lest he/she has a "now they KNOW they shouldn't be out here lookin' like that!" moment. I'm talking about those people that are so affected by society's insatiable desire to impose their often, Euro-centric standards of beauty, that they go as far as getting surgery or in Prof. Klump's case, take potions. Before I go any further, I do want to pose to you a question. How cool would it be if we could just take a weight loss potion? I'd finally have the sexy chocolate body I've longed for since high school--sans the side effects, of course; but I digress. I do find it unfortunate--mainly because I'm not the one raking in the big bucks off these things--that there are so many surgical options to 'fix' yourself. Is this a build-a-bear world now?Actually, I stand corrected, is it a build-a-human world now? Indeed it is! Hell, they can even customize babies(and I just might have to take them up on that offer)! Really though, where do such desires--and more importantly, such guts come from? I don't think I'd ever have the gall to get up and go under the knife for superficial reasons. MAYBE, and that's a BIG maybe, if some unfortunate event happened to mess up my handsome face then I might *gasp*. God, forbid such a thing happen. Truth be told, I'm far too scared to go under the knife for necessary reasons. Hell, I don't even like going to the dentist out of fear I may have cavities(that drill is a tool of the devil)! Luckily, I've never had to get anything other than root canals and other forms of dental torture--I mean, surgery. Seriously, if you feel that society can't accept you for you--flaws and all--don't go see Dr.Xzibit to 'pimp your body'. The solution to your problems is right there in the title. Stand in the mirror, take a deep breath, and chant. And for Pete's sake, stay away from potions!

Don't down 'em, crown 'em!

Recognize that line? If you don't, you suck. If you do, good job! That line is brought to you by none other than Pimpin' Ken. Never really knew what it meant until I decided to write this blog. I just thought it sounded cool to say. Win some money? Don't down 'em, crown 'em! Got off work early? Don't down 'em, crown 'em! Some seemingly innocent, but obnoxious little kid kicks you in the shin? Don't down 'em, crown 'em! See? It applies to everything! As it turns out, the quote is actually saying when someone hates on you or rather, when you feel the need to hate on someone, don't. By doing so, it just makes people more interesting in who or whatever it is you're hating on and it further solidifies that person or thing as something of value. Now, I can continue on with how nice of a philosophy that is and blah blah blah, but what fun would that be for anyone? Instead, allow me to go off on a tangent about how this one time, at band camp, I saw a girl stick a tuba in her "no-no" place. True story? Not for me, but probably for someone else.I do have a few tales of my own though. None of which involve tubas or no-no places. Hmm... maybe I should work on that. I do remember this one time, at home camp(yeah I really just said that), where I was playing with my G.I. Joes and my mom said, "Go outside". I knew that meant that upon my return, I was likely to find a few toys missing. I usually protected the ones I cherished most; everyone else[the toys] could fend for themselves. I would always get mad when I came home to find the newest addition to my G.I. Joe army, missing. Chances are, I would've been OK had I known the cardinal rule; don't down 'em, crown 'em! What? You didn't think I'd bring it back home?LOL

The Great Debaters

I must say, I am one who can appreciate a good debate, argument, contention or whatever term you decide to put to it. If it's a war of the minds count me in! That being said, if you're going to make it a point to make your point to me, then make your point to me! Again, I must mention that I like--maybe even LOVE--a good argument; so please... don't leave me hangin'! I cant stress how disappointing it is when I'm presented with a POV and the presenter doesn't have enough brainpower and patience, but mostly brainpower, to argue their point. Am I THAT good that my failure to be stumped and even more so, my failure to back down causes you to flee? Don't get me wrong, I AM that good, but do YOU think I'm that good too? Yes? You do think I'm that good? Well then, I'm glad we can agree on SOMETHING! LOL

P.S.

I DISAGREE!

Have camera?Will run!

Here I am, 2mins before I leave to the gym and what am I doing? Blogging about my inability to be photogenic. Why is it that I am plagued with this problem? I'd feel so much better knowing I look as good in pics as I do in person, but alas, it is- in my case- a give and take. It's almost as if God created me and said "Tz, I'll give you good looks, but I'll be damned if you have photographic evidence of it!" Ahh well.What can I do? Off to the gym I go!

No catchy title; just SMFH!!

So here I am, googling random nonsense and I come across this particularly sad and unfortunate website. What I stumbled upon was Thehoodup.com; which is a website for -and this is really the only way to put it- hood shit. I sat at my laptop -in amazement mind you- looking at the many categories of "hood" shit that members of this site can post threads in. Sadly, I'm sure the nimrod behind this website was someone of my own race. The 3 general breakdowns of threads are hood topics, regional hood topics, and -brace yourself for this last one- hood organizations! Wait- what?! Organizations? Are they trying to sound professional now? Granted, there is a large amount of structure that goes into gangs an all, but really? I thought a rather interesting twist to all of this ignorance was that it's not just [n-word] bullshit, but rather, bullshit from several races. In my own sick little mind, I find a degree of comfort in knowing we're not the only people dealing with the village idiots of a race. Anywho, seeing as how I got sidetracked( I swear some days I have the attention span of a 3yr old) I will say to the village idiots, do better and to the talented tenth, help them out! Why? Because we can't change the world unless we change ourselves!LMAO, I just wanted to say that. PEACE OUT!

Spam busters b*tch!

In todays world, I'm sure that spam mail is something we can all relate to. The real question is, how many of us are truly annoyed by it? I know I am! Every morning I get a little notification from my phone saying I have an email and guess who it's from? Friggin careerbuilders! Silly ol' me made the mistake of seeking employment through that site and I've been hounded by them ever since. So for all those like me who have felt the pain of spam mail, this one's for you.

Don't let the bedbugs bite!

Now there's a phrase that is all too familiar. Quite frankly I think it's a horrible thing to say before going to bed. The mere thought of insects crawling on me -- let alone FEASTING on me -- disturbs me greatly and it should disturb you too *shivers all over* . In any case, I didn't come here to tell tales of the indestructible bedbug; though I do have many. I think the real night-terror is none other than me! I mean, I simply canNOT help myself sometimes. In the midst of living my ever so exciting life, I somehow manage to drop everything when I spot heavy eyelids. Snoring? Great! That means your mouth is open and we all know what can happen to open-mouthed sleepers(no, not tea-bagging...ok, maybe once in awhile >=^] ). Really though, there's nothing like throwing a stack of books, a random teddy bear, a couple xbox controllers and a cable remote on top of someone's head and then snapping a picture for evidence. It just doesn't get any better than that! So next time you go to sleep, take a breath, make sure the coast is clear and remember that you could wake up with a book on your head.

PSA

Dear Bitches,

I'm writing you to tell you why we broke up. Why I cheated on you, don't respect you and why I finally woke up. Ms.Bitches, Ms.Bitches, you've hurt me so. Galavanting around the city streets; presenting yourself like a ho. Why did I wander, you ask?Why the hell wouldn't I? I've heard your tales of heartbreak with this man and that guy. Ms.Bitches, Ms. Bitches I never knew your first name. Disrespecting yourself was your only claim to fame. I remember the time when you called me out. "Don't call me no bitch!" moving your neck all about. I guess that's why us guys call y'all birds. But really, is the public eye the place to shout? Let a man be a man. Can't you stall that shit out? If you thought Chris Brown flipped, you ain't seen nothin' yet! Ok. OK...maybe that last line I might regret. But get what I'm saying? You have to chill. Never mind all that hood shit; all that "I gotta keep it real!". In the public eye, you're disgracing your race. I mean really, cut the middle man and put on blackface. Ms. Bitches, Ms. Bitches giving up good men for drug dealers. Then you wonder why they shake their heads while calling us niggers. I had high hopes. I thought we'd last forever. I can honestly say, Ms. Bitches, you're just too clever. You switched ya style up. Made it hard to be caught. I saw you cheating one time- or at least so I thought. So this is my good-bye; sayonara and my farewell. Only real women I'll deal with; they have less stories to tell.

Sincerely,
One fed-up brotha

A little bird says "tweet tweet"

I'm going to the store for some orange juice and a loaf of bread. Not really, but why in the hell would you care if I were? Surely, life has more substance to it than draining your cell battery or even worse, staying glued to a laptop watching the play-by-play on someone's life; or as many would call it, their "tweets". My how I've grown to despise that term. If you ask me(which I'm sure you have and if you haven't, you will), the real victims here are the birds. Yeah, I said it; the birds! Before the untimely creation of Twitter, "tweet" was a word synonymous with the sweet sound of birds chirping. Now look what it's become, a term for a friggin "track me down" website. Who the hell OK'd this?!